Have you ever known exactly what you wanted to change in your life, yet found yourself unable to take the first step?
Perhaps you’re considering a new career, struggling with an unfulfilling situation, or contemplating a major personal transition. You recognize that something needs to change, but the combination of uncertainty, fear, and competing responsibilities leaves you feeling stuck.
According to Dr. Theresa Thorkildsen, Professor of Education and Psychology at the University of Illinois Chicago, this experience has a psychological explanation.
In this episode of Off Course with Walter Lis, part of our Science of Reinvention series, Thorkildsen explores the psychology of motivation, why our intentions don’t always translate into action, and how understanding our internal conflicts can help us move forward.
Drawing on decades of research in human development and motivation, along with her own experiences navigating significant life changes, Thorkildsen offers a perspective on resilience, self-awareness, and finding opportunity in adversity.
Why We Get Stuck in Life: Understanding Approach-Avoidance Conflict
One of the most revealing moments in the conversation comes when Thorkildsen introduces the psychological concept of approach-avoidance conflict.
This occurs when our desire to pursue something meaningful exists simultaneously with fears, insecurities, or concerns about the consequences.
Imagine someone who wants to leave an unfulfilling career. They may feel excited about the possibility of greater freedom, purpose, or satisfaction. At the same time, they worry about financial security, professional identity, and whether the change will succeed.
Both sets of feelings are real. And when they become sufficiently powerful, the result can be inaction.
Thorkildsen explains that people frequently discuss the fight-or-flight response to stressful situations, but the freeze response also deserves attention.
Rather than interpreting hesitation simply as laziness or insufficient willpower, she encourages people to identify the competing forces influencing their decisions.
What are you moving toward? What are you trying to avoid?
Sometimes, simply recognizing that both motivations exist can begin to loosen the psychological grip that keeps us stuck.
Motivation Is More Complicated Than Willpower
Thorkildsen challenges the common assumption that motivation is something another person can simply give us.
She explains that motivation is an internal process influenced by our goals, circumstances, experiences, and environment.
Historically, motivation was often discussed as though it were an on-or-off switch. Someone was either motivated or unmotivated.
Today, researchers recognize a much more complicated process involving multiple influences.
One important distinction is between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation.
- Intrinsic motivation: Engaging in an activity because the activity itself provides enjoyment, interest, or satisfaction.
- Extrinsic motivation: Pursuing an activity because of a separate outcome, such as recognition, rewards, prizes, or status.
Thorkildsen uses golf to illustrate the distinction.
A golfer might experience intrinsic satisfaction from executing a beautiful swing or watching a well-struck shot travel toward the target. Another source of motivation might be winning a competition, improving a ranking, or receiving recognition.
Both forms of motivation can influence behavior, but understanding which rewards matter to us can help explain why we continue pursuing certain activities.
Why We Need Both Stability and Change
Human beings have a complicated relationship with change.
We may become bored or dissatisfied when life remains too predictable. Yet excessive change can create anxiety, uncertainty, and emotional exhaustion.
Thorkildsen describes this tension through the developmental psychology concepts of equilibrium and disequilibrium.
Stability provides comfort and predictability. Change creates opportunities for learning, adaptation, and growth.
But when multiple challenges occur simultaneously, the resulting disruption can feel overwhelming.
During the interview, Walter Lis describes how life’s problems sometimes accumulate, creating a burden that becomes increasingly difficult to manage.
Thorkildsen connects this experience to the psychological tension that can leave people feeling frozen.
Her advice is to recognize which parts of life remain stable while identifying small, manageable actions that can address the challenges ahead.
Rebuilding After Personal Loss
Thorkildsen’s understanding of major life transitions is informed by personal experience.
She shares that her husband died when she was just 36 years old, an event that dramatically disrupted her life.
Reflecting on that experience, she emphasizes the importance of supportive relationships and recognizing the stability that remains even during periods of profound change.
She also describes the process of breaking overwhelming challenges into smaller steps.
When a problem appears as an enormous mountain, focusing exclusively on the final destination can make progress seem impossible.
Instead, identifying one achievable step, completing it, and acknowledging that accomplishment can help restore momentum.
Thorkildsen even describes using small rewards, including chocolate, to recognize progress along the way.
The lesson is straightforward: we don’t have to solve every problem before we can begin moving forward.
Three Fundamental Psychological Needs
Another important concept discussed in the interview involves three fundamental human needs that motivation researchers examine:
- Competence: Feeling capable of developing skills and accomplishing meaningful tasks.
- Autonomy: Experiencing a sense of choice and personal direction.
- Belonging: Feeling connected to other people and valued within relationships or communities.
Thorkildsen suggests that when something in our lives isn’t going well, we can ask which of these needs may not be adequately supported.
For example, someone who feels professionally stuck might still be competent at their job but lack autonomy over how they spend their time.
Another person might have independence and professional success but feel disconnected from meaningful relationships.
Recognizing these unmet needs can provide a more useful starting point than simply concluding that we need greater motivation.
Self-Awareness and the Importance of Feedback
Throughout the conversation, Thorkildsen returns to the importance of understanding our own motivations.
But self-awareness doesn’t mean relying exclusively on our personal interpretations.
She also encourages openness to feedback from other people.
Not every observation or criticism deserves equal weight. Some feedback is useful and constructive, while other feedback can be distracting or harmful.
Learning to evaluate that distinction is part of developing greater self-understanding.
Even an uncomfortable interaction can provide an opportunity to ask why a particular comment triggered a strong reaction.
That process can reveal something important about our expectations, insecurities, or personal values.
Finding Purpose Through Everyday Heroism
Thorkildsen also discusses an emerging direction in her academic work: heroism science.
Rather than focusing exclusively on problems, deficits, and what isn’t working, she is interested in understanding how people contribute positively to their communities and the greater good.
She explores how everyday actions, supportive relationships, and ordinary acts of kindness can create meaning.
Her research interests include moral motivation and the ways people sustain their commitments to others and to society.
For someone struggling with personal motivation, this introduces another possibility: finding meaning through contributions that extend beyond individual achievement.
Sometimes helping someone else can also reinforce our own sense of value, purpose, and connection.
Career Reinvention: Move Toward Something, Not Just Away From Something
Near the conclusion of the interview, Thorkildsen addresses a challenge familiar to many people approaching the second half of their careers.
After decades in a profession, someone may recognize that their work no longer provides the fulfillment it once did.
Others may be approaching retirement without a clear idea of how they want to spend the next chapter of their lives.
Thorkildsen encourages people to consider not only what they want to leave behind, but also what they want to move toward.
She recommends reflecting on the experiences, accomplishments, relationships, and opportunities that have emerged throughout life, including those that were unexpected.
Rather than focusing exclusively on what didn’t happen according to plan, we can ask what new possibilities our circumstances might offer.
She also emphasizes identifying what remains within our control.
Major life changes may be unavoidable, but our interpretation of those changes and the small decisions we make in response can influence how we move forward.
Five Questions to Help You Get Unstuck
Drawing on the ideas discussed throughout the interview, here are five questions worth considering when facing an important transition:
- What am I moving toward? Identify the opportunities, experiences, or goals that genuinely interest you.
- What am I trying to avoid? Recognize the fears, uncertainties, and responsibilities that may be contributing to hesitation.
- What can I control? Separate circumstances beyond your influence from decisions you can make today.
- Which of my needs aren’t being met? Consider whether competence, autonomy, or belonging may be missing from your current situation.
- What’s one small step I can take? Break the larger challenge into manageable actions and recognize progress as it occurs.
These questions are a practical synthesis of the conversation, rather than a formal assessment developed by Thorkildsen.
Change Is Inevitable. How We Respond Matters.
Thorkildsen concludes with a reminder that change is an unavoidable part of human development.
Our bodies change. Our careers evolve. Relationships and responsibilities shift. Circumstances beyond our control can alter the direction of our lives.
Rather than treating every disruption as an obstacle, she encourages people to recognize the possibilities that can emerge through change.
That doesn’t mean ignoring adversity or pretending that difficult experiences are positive.
It means acknowledging what has happened, identifying what remains meaningful, and finding manageable ways to move forward.
For anyone contemplating personal reinvention, the first step may not be discovering an entirely new direction.
It may simply be understanding what’s keeping you stuck.
About Dr. Theresa Thorkildsen
Dr. Theresa A. Thorkildsen is a Professor of Education and Psychology at the University of Illinois Chicago. Her academic work examines human development, motivation, moral reasoning, fairness, and civic engagement.
Her research explores how individuals develop goals and intentions, respond to social expectations, and sustain meaningful participation in society.
About Off Course
Off Course with Walter Lis, presented by Chicago Golf Report, features conversations with researchers, educators, and thought leaders exploring the psychology of performance, personal growth, and meaningful change.
Our Science of Reinvention series examines why people change, what holds them back, and how they can build more fulfilling lives.
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